We are 1 in 8

I have so many things that I wish to talk about with regards to National Infertility Awareness Week.  This is obviously a cause that weighs very heavily on my heart, and just thinking about it makes me insanely emotional. This week is so important to me, and I just wanted to share a few of my thoughts and feelings. I've tried to organize my ideas so that this post doesn't just come across as a giant mess or a rant, please bear with me.

1 in 8 couples are infertile, and T and I are that lonely 1 in this statistic. If you are also struggling with infertility, you probably understand how lonely and awful being in this category can feel at times. If you are not part of this category, you may not quite understand what all we're going through. There have been some things that have come up recently in some of my close relationships that continue to open my wounds and just make me feel so isolated and different. Unfortunately, this is a pain and emptiness that some of my favorite people just cannot understand.  I've never been able to find the words to explain how I feel, probably because there aren't any... But I have read in several publications and books that the grief that we feel is compared to the grief that a terminally ill individual feels. I have also seen it compared to dealing with the loss of a loved one. I'm not trying to turn this post into a depressing post about death, I promise.  I'm trying to shed a little light on what we've been going through for almost 2 years.  These comparisons may sound overly dramatic, but they are probably the closest comparisons to what infertility really feels like...

This pain that we constantly feel is very real, and is sometimes so strong that it takes all of our strength just to get ourselves out of bed to face the day. I've had so many people offer up advice, and I just want to say, as much as I appreciate advice, it really isn't what I need right now. I can't hear how we should adopt, how maybe it just isn't meant to be, how once we stop trying it will happen, etc... These things are not helpful, in fact they make me want to pull away and not open up anymore. We're undergoing IVF, that was our choice, we stand by it 100%. We don't need advice, we've made our choices, and we just need your love and support now. We need you to listen to us, judgement free. I don't expect everyone to understand, all I ask is for one minute of your time, please try to put yourself in our shoes before saying certain things. I guess I just ask for a little sensitivity about this subject. Here's a great list that I found of Do's and Don'ts when trying to interact with someone who is dealing with infertility. Every couple has their own limits as to how much they're willing to talk about their struggles, and respecting those limits is very important as well. As for me, I 'm really pretty open, I just need that sensitivity because most of the time discussing our infertility will make me quite emotional.

I have seen a huge transformation in myself because of our infertility. I have matured so much in such a short period of time, and in a good way! I have so much more compassion, and love for everyone--For family, friends, even strangers. Life's struggles have a way of shaping us into beautiful people, and I really think that this whole experience has made me the best possible version of myself. I am a better wife, daughter, sister, and friend because of this experience. I will also be a better mother when the time comes. Overall, I care more.

I have met so many AMAZING people because of this journey, and I have been forever changed because of the impact they have had on me and my life. There are so many incredible people in this world that I never would have met without infertility. They have inspired me, they have given me strength, but most of all they have given me hope. I am forever grateful for these people and experiences. There are so many other couples that are fighting this same fight.  My heart breaks for you when things are not going well, and I celebrate right there along with you when you succeed and beat infertility. You all have had an impact on my life, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your lives with me!

Please join me in the movement this week, you can join in so many different ways. Maybe it's reading a little more about infertility.  Maybe it's reaching out to someone you know who is also struggling with infertility. Maybe it's just sharing the statistic that 1 in 8 couples are infertile with a friend, family member, or colleague. Maybe it's as simple as a positive thought or prayer for all of us fighting this fight. Anything counts, the sky is the limit!  I thank you ahead of time!!!

Lastly, a personal word to our family and friends:
Please don't pull away from us just because it's hard to relate to us right now, we need our family and friends now more than ever. We are happy to discuss infertility, we are happy to answer questions, overall, we want to let you in.  All we ask in return is for a little more compassion, and a little more sensitivity. We really do need you all right now!


XOXO

FET Regroup

We had our regroup yesterday where we went over everything in preparation for the Frozen Embryo Transfer in June. We just assumed that it would be a quick, easy, and curve-ball free appointment. Silly us....

So the appointment started off with Dr. S. going over our final Blast numbers and what it all meant. So to recap, we went from 14 day 3 embryos to 5 Blastocysts. We were a little shocked by how many we lost, but we figured it was normal. So yesterday we found out that it really wasn't normal at all. As a matter of fact, we actually had twice as many Blastocysts at the end there, but half started to rapidly degenerate. He said that to have that significant of a drop-off, and to have it happen in such a short period of time is probably indicative of chromosomal problems. No one could have predicted this, and the Dr. never even suggested embryo testing because this was so unexpected. So now we have 5 frozen Blasts, and we have absolutely no idea if any of them are normal. It's very likely that some are, we just can't know for sure with this batch.  Our bodies do a pretty good job at knowing when something is not right, so odds are if we transferred one that was abnormal it would either not implant, or miscarry. Of course that isn't always the case, but our bodies do their best.

Also, we came to find out that 2 of the day 5 Blasts are frozen together, so if we end up transferring those we will need to transfer both at the same time. The Dr. will start with our best ones, which are 2 day 5 3ABs and those are frozen separately.

All along, our Dr has been quite adamant about wanting to transfer just one at a time, and we had accepted that. In fact, we went into the appointment expecting him to say he was going to do just 1. So we were shocked when he said it was our choice and that he was fine doing either 1 or 2. So the decision on how many we will be transferring will be on us. Originally, I was leaning more towards 2, but my husband feels very strongly about just doing 1, especially for our first transfer. I'm looking at it from the wanting to increase our chances standpoint, and he is more concerned about me and how multiples would increase the risks for complications. Last night we did make our decision, and we are fairly certain that we will only be transferring 1 of the 3ABs.  We want to start small, and see how this first one goes.

If we keep having bad luck with this batch, we will need to undergo more testing, and we will need to do another retrieval and do the testing on our embryos. I really hope that it won't come down to that, I really do, but only time will tell. I was actually really hoping we would be able to get 2 kids out of these 5 frozen Blasts, but the Dr. politely told me yesterday that I shouldn't count on it... :( Shoot!

So that was the crappy part, from that point on everything was smooth sailing.

I will be staying on Metformin even though the studies that came out indicating that Metformin helps women with Polycystic Ovaries get pregnant have pretty much been discredited.  But, we decided that since I have been on it so long now, and since all of the awful side effects have gone away too, it wouldn't hurt to stay on it. It can only help, it won't hurt.

Also, I will need to start Electroacupuncture 4 weeks prior to the transfer. During my Doppler baseline ultrasound we found out that I have rather poor uterine blood flow, luckily this particular issue can usually be treated pretty well once there is a diagnosis of it. Without treatment, I don't get enough blood flow down there on my own to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Electroacupuncture does a great job with increasing that blood flow, so I will be doing that twice a week for 4 weeks. I will also have a session at CCRM right before the transfer, and another one immediately afterwards as well.

That really is most of the news that we got yesterday. We also went thought other little things like the mandatory bed rest afterwards, working out, all that random stuff. For right now I'm fine to pretty much do whatever I want until May 21 when I start the Lupron & Estrogen in preparation for the transfer. That's when all of the limitations will start again.

So we are still good to go for June 10, we are really just hoping and praying for the absolute best outcome with these 5 Blasts that we currently have.

Blessed

I want to start off by saying that I am not good with words, at all. I am overly emotional, and words just always seem to fail me when I try to express myself. I have found that using music to express myself can be so much easier than trying to find the words to convey exactly how I feel. Sometimes it's just easier to leave it up to the professionals to help me find my voice! ;)

So while I was in the car the other day, I had my iPod on shuffle, which isn't something I do very often just because I have SOOO many songs, and I usually am in the mood for something specific.  I haven't listened to Elton John in years, but I used to be a big fan, so of course, I have quite the collection of his songs.  This song came on at a time when I was feeling down and out, it was a time when I really needed to hear this message so badly.  I just felt like this song came on for me to hear right at that exact moment for a reason, like I was meant to hear it.  I know that may sound silly to some, but for me, it makes perfect sense. I love this song, I always have, but I hadn't ever really listened to the lyrics before.  I mean, I knew them by heart, but I had never really processed what they meant, what the song was about. This is pretty much the PERFECT song for someone going through infertility. The message is so clear, and so positive, and I know now what I need to do. I need to be patient, I spend so much time obsessing and trying to be in control, and I hate that this is something I have absolutely no control over. I do truly believe that I will be a mother (how it happens is out of my hands) but when I do, I will spend the rest of my life making sure that this child has the very best life that's humanly possible. I will be there for my child in every way, and it is going to be wonderful! I just need to be patient right now and know that everything that is meant to happen will happen. The timing is out of my hands, but when it finally does happen, it will be perfect.

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
Your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway, you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that
You, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

Worst.Yoga.Practice.Ever.

Normally I LOVE yoga, I can't ever get enough! I took several weeks off from yoga and working out for my egg retrieval, luckily I'm finally able to get back into everything again. I've been hitting it hard this week, and loving every minute of it! So last night I went to a restorative yoga practice, those are usually my favorite! The practice is more for relaxation, and rejuvenation, and that is why I love it! You hold poses for ~5 minutes each and they are mostly just stretches that help melt away tension, and stress. You cannot help but feel like a new person at the end of the practice!

Unfortunately, the usual teacher was out, and there was a sub. The sub hadn't taught this before, nor did she have any music, which was a major bummer. The calming music is half of the experience in my opinion. This could have all been doable still if that was the worst of it, but no, it got worse....Right as practice was starting, a pregnant woman walked in and asked if she could squeeze in next to me. Yay, NOT! So I moved my mat a little and made room for her and had an internal pity party but figured once we started I could get into my zone and forget all about her, but again, it got worse.... It wasn't long before she started sniffling, coughing, and sneezing, and she continued to do this for the entire hour. Now, I have to confess, I'm a total Germaphobe, especially around sick people.  I'm not too bad around friends and family, but sick strangers totally stress me out. Every time I would start to drift away and finally relax, I'd hear a cough, or a sniffle, just enough to pull me out of relaxation, and back to the reality of the situation.  So my sadness turned into fear, and anger that I would get sick, then it all just became too much for me to handle. I'm sure my mood swings from the Lupron Depot also contributed, I was just an absolute mess! I'm lucky this practice is held in dimmed light, and that everyone keeps their eyes closed for the whole practice, because I was silently sobbing for almost the entire hour. Once Shavasana came (the final pose) I knew I needed to pull myself together long enough to make it to my car, then I could just let it all go once I was alone. I was able to do this, but once I got to my car, I just completely lost it in every possible way. I was still hysterically crying when I got home, luckily my husband was home to comfort me, which actually helped me a ton.

He told me he was having a rough day too. He and a few co-workers went out to lunch, which seemed harmless at first. One of them had a baby this year, and they were meeting up with a former co-worker to catch up. The lunch conversation was heavily centered on everyone talking about their kids, comparing stories, etc...It made my husband feel isolated, and sad because he was the only one without kids, and as well all know, being childless is not his choice. But it also just made it awkward because he had nothing to contribute to the discussion, he had to just sit there and listen. It's hard for people to understand what this feels like unless they have gone through infertility, it really is a lot harder than you'd think. My heart aches thinking about how he felt during that lunch.  I don't want my husband to be sad either, but somehow knowing we were both having a bad day made me feel closer to him, and helped me to feel less alone in that moment.

 I'm sure this won't be our last bad day, but hopefully there won't be too many more of these days before we finally get our happy ending. We are both doing much better today, and that is all that matters. Every time life knocks us down, we will most definitely pick ourselves back up to fight another day, this I promise!

I want to end this with a few of my favorite quotes, I look back on these images quite frequently, especially on rough days like yesterday. These have given me strength on days when I had none. It's amazing how just one positive thought can keep you going even on the darkest of days.

Until next time,

XOXO

Laura The Grouch

Well, I have been on the Lupron Depot for a week now. The first few days were GREAT, I was thinking that maybe I was getting lucky and wouldn't have any side effects. Boy was I wrong...

1. HOT FLASHES! So the hot flashes are definitely no joke. I will randomly just get so hot, it feels like my body is on fire! This may fall into the TMI category...but the other day I had to actually change my shirt because I got so hot and sweaty during one of my hot flashes, it was awful, and pretty gross.  They are worse at night while I'm sleeping, but it doesn't effect my sleep too much or anything, which is a plus. I actually find the ones that happen during the day to be more problematic than the night ones.

2. THE MOOD SWINGS! Wow, I never thought that I could be this grouchy and moody! The littlest things set me off these days, I'm an emotional wreck. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm mad, and just a few minutes after that, I'm in tears. Last night, my husband and I were playing a new strategy board game for the first time. These games are pretty hard and insanely complicated, especially the first few times you play them. In hindsight, we never should have played the game given my mood swings, but we didn't think of that.  Basically, I wasn't the one who read the instructions, and I was totally misunderstanding some of the rules, and I thought I was doing better than I was. Between getting my butt kicked, and finding out I wasn't playing correctly, the game ended abruptly with me having a meltdown. That was not fun for either of us. We learned that we need to keep things light and low stress for me until I'm off the Lupron Depot. Comedies, non-competitive games, yoga, walks, ect...

It has been rough to say the least, but I have also heard that as the drug weakens in your system, so do the side effects, so we look forward to that happening in the coming weeks. Other than those two side effects, I'm doing OK. We're just taking it one day at a time at this point, hoping I can keep my cool (pun intended) as much as possible. I just keep reminding myself that this is all going to be worth it in the end! :)

I want to just end this by saying that I have so much respect for any woman who has gone through Menopause, or is currently going through it!! This is tough!



XOXO